Steve said that men are not biologically designed to be with one woman, that their number one bio-behavioral imperative is sex.

Well, forgive me for questioning your undoubtedly vast biological scholarship, but what are these “facts” based upon? Your reasoning screams a need for immediate gratification. You know who needs immediate gratification Steve? Not men. Not “alpha males”. Babies. Babies require food when they’re hungry, warmth when they’re cold, they cannot self soothe and it is an adult caretaker’s, often mom or dad, job to provide for the babies needs. When we grow up and mature through healthy developmental stages we learn to meet our own needs and sometimes to delay gratification. That’s adulthood. Sometime trauma, which can be defined in a number of ways, delays our development, so we become stuck in a developmental stage. In the case of immediate gratification, we can assume that the individual who cannot self soothe, who can not suspend gratification, has actually not developed emotionally beyond infancy.

Sex is a physical act. At it’s most healthy, sex can be the physical component of a very rich and emotional relationship. Conversely it can also be a physical act devoid of any emotional or spiritual meaning. Psychologically, it can also e an expression of panic, a perceived need to have sex with as many people as possible as a defense against a fear of death.

Sex can also become a compulsion, again a defense, against extreme anxiety or feeling a lack of control over one’s life. As a psychologist and a relationship expert, when I see a patient of mine with an unhealthy relationship with sex, that is a use of sex for other than bonding with another, I know there is something else going on with the person. Often they are suffering from any number of emotional or mental health issues, and when we begin to resolve that, they are able to resume a healthy sex life.

As Dr. Drew pointed out Steve, did you know that men are actually better through monogamy? Men are healthier, they live longer, and are better able to cope with daily stresses when they are involved in monogamous relationships. Partnering gives us an ally. When we are willing to go through conflict with another person, we can discover a better self through relationship. A better self, Steve, a self that does not need to tell a woman to “zip-it.com” when she’s making a point that you don’t like, a self that doesn’t say about an attempted adult conversation, that “this is not a documentary”, a self that can listen as well as speak. Despite what you say, that “we are all the same, men are all the same” Steve, most of the men that I know and work with would be embarrassed to be represented by your philosophy.

Steve, my husband is an alpha male. He is sexy and smart and caring and nurturing. He protects his family and respects his wife. We have incredibly hot monogamous sex and sometimes he goes with his friends to a strip club. I’ve even gone once or twice. My alpha male husband is not threatened by our relationship, he is strengthened by it. That is the bio-behavioral imperative of healthy male development.

Oh and if my frontal cortex was not as developed as it is and I was stuck in a developmental stage of childhood like you, my response to your “Zip-it.com” would have gone a little like this, “Steve, Steve talk to the hand (please note I would be rolling my eyes very dramatically, similar to you, while I put my hand in the air. A heavy sigh would occur) Then I would continue, “I think for this conversation to happen Steve you might need to get out your computer and punch in Wikipedia because this “documentary style” dialogue might go a little too fast and defiantly is above your intellectual capabilities.”

OHHH and if my Mad Dog side had come out I might have revealed how you are actually called to be on these shows for comic relief but you don’t seem to realize you are the joke. SNAP! Sorry I couldn’t help me self. I lost my frontal cortex just for a bit. Maybe it’s in my purse!

More important than any football game record or his reputation in college sports, would be his actions right now. If he can be brave enough to rise and do the right thing and carry the torch for all childhood victims of sex crimes to actually lead the charge and implore his followers to redirect their sadness and frustration around his departure toward something far more meaningful than the loss of a head football coach, he would make an indelible mark on history. I challenge him to come out and say Penn State did the correct thing in firing him and anyone who was neglectful or complicit in sweeping under the rug, the charges of child sexual assault against his former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

So Mr. Paterno, I ask you directly, “Are you now strong enough to stand up and face the reality of what you turned away from and be the change agent our society desperately needs? Can you even at 82 years of age let go of your own ego and man up?

Mr. Paterno, the vulnerable kids need your powerful voice for their often ignored and silenced voices to finally be heard. Don’t let the footnote of your legacy be marred by the shame of ignorance and embarrassment of your avoidance of this highly organized and manipulative sexual predator named Jerry Sandusky. Let your life’s story go out in a blaze of glory around all those violated, manipulated and forgotten victims. Let your legacy end with something like this-

At the end of his life Joe Paterno’s heir apparent Jerry Sandusky was found out to be a child sexual predator of the worst kind. He was fired because of his turning a blind eye to the obvious questions and concerns that should have been addressed. A weaker man could have been taken down in shame and humiliation for lack of action but Joe Paterno was found to be not just a coach for kids but the voice they needed to pull the cover off the scourge of sexual predators on our society. Joe Paterno’s advocacy around sexual predator laws changed the worldview on this issue. Sentencing laws were finally changed to reflect the heinous and compulsive nature of this violent crime against the most innocent of victims. So child sexual predators were once and for all staying behind bars to never rape another child again. Joe Paterno became a real hero in November 2011.

So I am pleading for you to speak Joe! Guide those that look to you to be forces of action and change, and not contributors to abuse and neglect. Empower all of us to never turn away and to pursue our concerns when it comes to our children.

I know one day my precious little girl Tova, who was in a car seat not that long ago, will come to me to say that she is going to or already has had sex. And when that day comes, I expect my husband and I will laugh and cry, feeling sad for the baby that has grown up in front of our eyes and happy that we have created a home in which she feels comfortable talking to us. I imagine the conversation about sexual safety that I will have with both of my children, ensuring that they both know that it is their responsibility to be prepared. And I imagine the conversation going so smoothly and being a comfort to us all, so much that the door remains open and my kids feel emotionally and mentally girded for what it means to be a sexual person. I dream it will go this way… YEAH RIGHT!!!!!

Actually, the thought of my kids being sexual fills me with dread and fear. Fear that they will be too young like I was, not value their bodies and not understand the deep meaning behind being sexual with another person. I dread it because although I know I will have many conversations around these issues I also know that at this point in our society the majority of parents won’t and our schools hands are being tied around this issue with the ropes of religion and ignorance!

I realize that I am trying to raise autonomous human beings; human beings that will one day have the drive and desire to have sex and procreate. And as human beings go, this drive and desire will probably kick in somewhere around sophomore or junior year of high school, not the ideal age at which to become a parent. My wish is that our country wouldn’t have enough “Teen Moms” to support two reality shows on television. The problem is we have too many teen parents and the cost to those babies and our country is way too high.

We as a country are spending millions of dollars to support these immature and broken families because of course they can’t support themselves financially and least of all emotionally. So as usual we would rather pay more on the back end than deal directly on the front end of this problem. The tragedy is that the back end of this problem involves living breathing teenagers and babies. Again, we have it ass backwards! Oh and I must remind you that the right wing religious based politicians who don’t want deal with sex education appropriately are the same ones that would be hell bent on withdrawing governmental support for these kids who have had babies. So they become another disenfranchised poor subset of our culture that we or THEY actually created! They have so much compassion for the babies that are unborn but not for those that are living and breathing and born into a world with little or no compassion for them or their moms.

I am writing this now out of anger, fear and disappointment in a society and political system that would rather stick it’s head in a sandbox of legislation and religious ideology, than embrace what is true. Young people are hormonally driven. There is a period of late adolescence, early adulthood, where we are arguably more sexually motivated than we are motivated by any other thing or object. During this time, I think it is of vital importance that my children have information about safe and healthy ways to meet these needs and that they know that they can always talk to me or my husband or someone at school. I’m talking about masturbation. I’m talking about contraception. I’m talking about knowing you can say no, and also knowing what to do if you say yes.

I could follow my fear and sadness about my babies becoming big and not needing me as much anymore, but to do that would be to take myself away from them during a time when they need me in a new and different way. I think for any parent to pretend that their child is not growing up, or that their directive to simply say no, or take a pledge to remain chaste, or to turn to god when they feel tempted is simply naïve and unrealistic, and actually bad parenting. I know I risk offending people here, but this is serious, and I want to offend you-offend you into action about how we are failing our children around their sexuality.

How many babies have to be thrown in trashcans at a prom out of their teen mother’s fear of having the pregnancy found out? How many girls have to risk hurting themselves physically rather than turn to their parents for help with something they have been raised to believe will bring shame to the entire family? Our young people need us to show up for them even when it is uncomfortable for us to do so.

My fantasy is the parents that don’t have their heads in the sand would revolt against this insanity. I could see us all marching with our children demanding that we deal with teen pregnancy like the public health epidemic it truly is. Maybe we could have all those teen moms who don’t make the cut of the reality show producers to receive the “free wedding” or “teen mom makeover” march as well pushing their beautiful babies in there strollers. Just maybe our country would realize that our kids need direct, honest and repeated help in dealing with the issue of sex, sexuality and contraceptives. Would we let our kids decide if they needed to be vaccinated? No, because that would be crazy, right? Believing they can handle this issue without serious interventions by the adults in their lives and our country is just as crazy.

So, let’s stop legislating against abortion and try to decrease unwanted teen pregnancy. Let’s put some real money into good solid sex education programs in our public schools. This is not about pro-life or pro-choice, but the fact is that argument only serves to distract us from the people who are carrying those babies that we feel so compelled to argue about. The already very alive young women, for whom the argument only serves to punish them for having had sex and shakes there heads that they didn’t protect themselves. Lets teach our children to love and respect their bodies, to know what their bodies can do that is pleasurable and how they can remain safe and healthy. Lets not continue to fill them with shame and embarrassment about the fact of their sexuality. Lets teach instead of legislate, and lets see what can change. I believe, at the very least, we’d be able to usher a generation of sexually healthy, emotionally developed young adults into the world and I guarantee we would lower the teen pregnancy rates dramatically.

So, I will get the poster boards you bring the paint and let’s meet on the corner of Main Street and raise our voices together to wake up those that have there heads in the sand. Oh and if we are lucky maybe People Magazine or E! News will cover the event and pay us for our efforts! Any money would of course be donated for Public School Sex Education Programs.

A reaction formation is a defense wherein anxiety about a feature of self is so intense that the person acts out an exaggerated response in the opposite direction. In the recent example of representative Phillip Hinkle from Indiana, it could be asserted that his rejection of homosexuality, which goes so far as his voting record as he voted to ban gay marriage, is a defense against his own homosexuality. This is not to say in the old trite way that homophobia is borne out of disowned personal feelings of attraction to an individual of the same gender, but it’s actually deeper than that. The shame and disowning of self from a perceived unacceptable feature is so intense and causes the individual so much pain that they need to hate that quality and hate every representation of the quality they come across in the world. “I don’t know what was going through my mind” Hinkle was quoted in response to his internet communications in attempt to solicit gay sex. And while the cynics among us might smirk and rush to further punish him, it is altogether possible that he actually did not know what was going through his mind. Consciously, he had created a character so to speak, a false self, which was socially acceptable and politically electable. The false self has him behaving as a heterosexual family man, but it’s possible that his genuine identity, a self that was repressed and hidden long ago, is homosexual.

In a New York Magazine article from September 2006, James McGreevey is quoted “Thirty-four days after I was elected governor of New Jersey, I began a secret affair with an aide named Golan Cipel. It destroyed my career, ruined my marriage, and helped me discover who I really am.” He goes on to speak about his own struggle” How do you live with such shame? How do you accommodate your own revulsion with who you have become? You do it by splitting in two. You rescue part of yourself, the half that stands for tradition and values and America, the part that looks like the family you came from, the part that is acceptably true. And you walk away from the other half the way you would abandon something spoiled.”

I believe Phillip Hinkle like James McGreevey and many other people, who suffer from a deep personal hatred, act out in such dramatic ways as an act of desperation in reaction to the part of themselves that is still socially unacceptable. That is our shame, our shadow as a country founded on freedom and liberty but which still determines who should receive that right.

As a Psychologist, I focus in my practice on issues of social disenfranchisement and oppression. What we are seeing from these public figures is that their political and socio-economic success hinges on their willingness to sacrifice their psychological health. It is unacceptable to me as a psychologist, as a mother, as an American, that our public figures are still, in 2011, unable to be authentically who they are. That we force, in the name of family values no less, people to hate a part of themselves so deeply that they act out in hateful ways which determine legislation, is a ridiculous and dysfunctional repetition compulsion in which our national psyche is trapped. I ask you to think about this as we enter another political season. Think about your own psychological health and the health of our future generations. Do we want to continue to politically sanction hate and self-loathing, or do we want to move forward in a way that preserves real family values? Those values, which I hope my children will inherit, of wholeness, integrity and a respect for self that shows in how we treat others.

In between the many operations and concerns about falling due to neuropathy in his feet, all three of his daughters tried unsuccessfully to convince him to get healthy. Letters were written to him pleading to take better care of himself for the sake of his grandkids. Countless tears were shed and eyes were dramatically rolled as he popped candy into his diabetic mouth. Since my early 20’s I had been saying goodbye to my dad knowing that our time together was limited. Sadness, anger and fear became commonplace for me. Any call from my mother’s phone after 11:00pm would make my heart stop.

So when my dad died I thought I was prepared. Michael and I had also tried to prepare our kids for his death over the past couple of years. We talked openly about how Papa was sick and that his heart was tired and that he rode around in a cart because his legs didn’t work. Nothing prepares you for the death of a parent – nothing. My son was my father’s only grandson. He looks just like him, has his quick temper and his competitive streak. To be honest, this was always more important to me than it ever was to my father. I made it special for my son because I wanted it to be a source of strength for him to carry with him through his life. My wish is for Asher to feel unique and special because that is the truth. Whether acknowledged or not it is the reality.

When we told Asher that Papa had died he burst into tears and said, “He taught me chess and now I will never play chess with him again.” Through sobbing tears and gasps of air he felt enough pain and loss for everyone in our family. Tova’s reaction was stunned silence. Her second reaction was concern for her big brother. Oh and anger came third. After hearing the news she stomped into her room and grabbed her piggy pillow. Yes it is a pig and a pillow. For those of you who are parents with kids under the age of 8 you know what I am talking about. It’s a pillow— it’s a pet— It’s a pillow pet! If you sang the tune then I am sure you too have spent $15.99 for this item. Anyway, she beat the living shit out of piggy pillow until she was exhausted which was about 2 1/2 minutes of straight punching right in front of all three us. Tova then burst into tears and ran into Michael’s arms, burying her head to hide her tears.

It was a month or so after my dad’s death and I am lying down with Asher as he is falling asleep. He begins to cry softly and says that he wishes papa hadn’t died and why couldn’t Uncle Gary die. He wanted to trade anyone he was less attached to in our family for my dad to be able to come back. This is the “bargaining” stage of grief and has nothing to do with liking or not liking my father’s brother. Sorry Uncle Gary if you read this!
As Asher is crying I realize that I haven’t cried at all since his funeral. Maybe this is why my therapist won’t get off my back about dealing with the loss of my Dad. The room is dark with just the yellowish glow of light peeking through Asher’s closet door to keep the boogieman away. I softly say, “Ash, Papa loved you so much. He is so proud of you and would want you to remember the happy times you had together even though he is gone and it hurts so much.” He just kept crying and saying, “but why mom, why did he have to die?”

“We hurt because we cared so much about Papa. You know Asher it has been hard for mommy to even cry and I think you are so brave to feel all of your feelings and just let them out. ” His room was quiet except for the random snot filled sniffle coming from his side of the bed. After a few minutes he said, “Mom I need a cup.” “Ash why do you need a cup? We’re in bed almost asleep.” He says emphatically, “With a lid.” I roll over and put my arm in snuggle position around his upper body. “What?” I say groggy and confused. He continues, “Mom, seriously, I need a cup to catch all my tears. We can put it into the freezer to keep it safe… every time I cry about stuff that matters to me I will catch my tears in that cup and when I die you, dad and Tova will be able to open my cup of tears and know what really mattered to me.”

Now I am stunned silent. Tears finally begin roll down my face.

There are moments, long annoying moments (maybe even hours), that don’t seem to pass quickly enough where the thought running in my head is “I really hate you!” OH that just sounds awful I actually said “REALLY!” I swear I have never said it to her but I think my face must show it at times. Believe me I know all the psychobabble regarding “we won’t always like our children’s behavior but we will always love them” BLAH BLAH BLAH!

That sounds really good when you are sitting in an office paying someone $150.00 an hour to discuss your pent up anger at your sassy 7 year old and reflecting back on ways to better handle those challenging moments of being a parent. But truthfully I just want her to stop. The “loving them through the tough times” is exhausting and frankly I don’t have the time for all of this! (Okay, that last part about not having enough time is key to what is going on but for right now I am still venting so just go with me here.)

Where I am right now is in the very real moment of hate. Well, maybe very strong dislike. Is that better? It may also be shame and fear as well. Shame that Tova is behaving so incorrigible at PF Changs in front of one of my girlfriends and my friend’s cute 5-year-old son is being really polite. Why couldn’t he toss the soy sauce across the table at her, I would feel so much better!

The fear? Oh you know the fear you have forever screwed up your child starting with letting her have her pacifier too long (until age 3) or that I am a full time working mother or that she eats too much sugar! While I want to pinch her head off while she is stomping away ahead of us at lunch because she lost the vote where to eat or when she turned around and shot me the stink eye while walking into the restaurant and held the door closed with her cute sticky little fingers for good measure I know I can’t really pinch her or scream at her or any of things that would make me feel better in the moment.

As we sit down and settle into a not so nice ladies lunch she begins to argue with her older brother. Claiming he cheated at tic-tac-toe. Seriously, how do you cheat at tic-tac-toe? All I can think is college can’t come quick enough. Then, in an instant I see her 27 years old, as tall as me while she is giving me the same look and wondering where all the time went. Wondering who she will be and will she hate me. Hate me for my many mistakes or the clothes I wear, the politics I hold or how inadequate of a mother I was at times. Then I wonder and hope that we will one day maybe like each other. Love of course and even Hate sometimes but genuinely honestly like the woman my daughter has become? And will Tova like the old woman I will have become in 20 years?

Tova slides over a note written on her tic-tac-toe paper. It reads, “I hate u”. My heart sinks and I look at her and mouth, “I love you”. Her eyes well up with tears and she puts her head in the crook of my arm. I whisper in her ear, “I really do love you.” She picks her head up and starts eating her chicken dumplings. Later that night I am snuggling her to sleep and I bring up the tough day we had together. I said she seemed really angry today. She started crying and she went on to let out what was making her so sad and angry lately. Tova says, “Don’t your bosses at CNN know you have kids?” I said, “Yes, she does “ knowing full well I am the only one who makes my schedule and realizing whom I actually might be hating right now was myself.

With tears in my eyes I explained that she was right and I had been feeling the same way. I had been working four nights a week before Tova did her intervention with me at PF Changs. The next day I began moving my clients around and now work just two nights a week and have created “Fun Fridays with Mom” where we go and do fun day trips together. Asher, Tova and I just got back from Catalina Island where we swam, parasailed and went in a submarine together.

As parents we have to be willing to pay attention to what our kids are trying to communicate to us with their behavior. Often it is the only way they know how to express their anger, sadness, fear and disappointment. What we need to do is listen and be willing to respond. Tova and I still have moments of “hate” but many more of enjoying each other. One day when I am 62 and she is 27 I bet we will be having our own very wonderful ladies lunch at PF Changs.

Dr. Michelle’s Tips
*Distinguish between a feeling of chronic dislike and a passing feeling.
Usually if we are dealing with passing feelings of annoyance it is because your child is going through a developmental stage. Whether it is the two-year stage of independence testing or the teen years there will be moments you just don’t like your child or their behavior. When it is chronic feelings of anger and you slip into truly not liking your kid then it is time to seek some help or talk to a friend about what is going on inside of your mind and heart and what you are seeing in your child. There might be larger dynamic or developmental issues that need to be addressed.

*Coping with Short-term dislike
Children usually save up their most annoying and challenging behaviors for their parents because we are safe enough emotionally for them to express their strong feelings of anger, fear and sadness. I know aren’t we the lucky ones!! Often times the intense mood and feelings can be related to changes that are unsettling their world, for example a death in the family, a birth of a sibling, a parent sick or something happening at school as well. If the behavior and attitude isn’t connected to the concrete world it may be due to the changing cognitive or developmental stages that all children experience. These big shifts in social and emotional dynamics may contribute to your child feeling anxious and unsettled. Just like adults when big changes are coming they feel nervous and may not even have the words let alone tools to cope with these strong feelings. So you get the brunt of it! That’s is why being curious about your kid is a healthier stance than trying to shut down the anger.

*Coping with Chronic anger and frustration
Owning and acknowledging these feelings is really the first step. Dealing with children when they are going through there own difficult phase is challenging enough add your own layer of “issues” such as job stress or family problems than you can wind up with an entrenched chronic problem. So you need to understand what is triggering you about your child and why you can’t emotionally detach to handle the situation. This may require you seeking some professional help to deal with it because if you keep being triggered the negative behavior is only reinforced and the cycle will go on and on. The other issue to explore is your expectations of your child off or too high. This can lead to chronic frustration as well. One red flag to watch for is around developmental issues. If you believe your child should be at a certain developmental milestone and they are not and this behavior is part of the issue I suggest you meet with your pediatrician or a child psychologist and explore if there are any larger issue that need to be addressed, such as hearing issues and sensory motor issues in young children.

Many solid clinicians have been able to see that Casey Anthony meets all the characteristics of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Which is a chronic personality disorder that impairs functionality and has a negative impact on all relationships. These individuals are manipulative, charismatic, lack empathy and create chaos in their lives as well as those around them.

The question is HOW did Casey Anthony become the person she is today. For some by simply asking this question we clinicians are seen as terrible evil people blaming the poor parents of this crazy psychopathic person/murderer. This is the problem with the media and the sound bite culture that really doesn’t want to hear the long tragic truth of how a vulnerable innocent child becomes the Casey Anthony we have seen in the courtroom. We want to only pity George and Cindy who of course are in pain and have tragically lost their granddaughter Caylee.
What we know as psychologists is this about BPD:

The most critical factor in developing this disorder is poor or uniformed parenting. These include repeated emotional, physical or sexual abuse by someone within the family or outside the family itself. Also, inconsistent care and unsupportive care or early separation from one or both parents can contribute to the formation of this personality structure. We also find a parent who has failed to protect the child from repeated abuse by the other parent, another family member or an outsider.

In watching George and Cindy in front of the media they seemed coolly detached from their daughter Casey or ragingly connected in a defensive posture. I had no doubt that Casey Anthony had severe emotional problems when she lied about her daughters disappearance and her strange and immature responses around where she was during those notorious 31 days. I also noted odd behavior by her parents that felt to me there was more that they knew about Caylee’s disappearance than they were revealing.

The facts that came out in the case regarding George and Cindy’s denial of Casey’s pregnancy as well as the “Perfect Persona” that Cindy Anthony seemed to want to show to people around her as well as her undercurrent of rage which bubbled to the surface on many occasions showed me that she was a narcissistic mother who was self-involved and lacked empathy.

The jailhouse letters in which Casey began to reveal the possibility of sexual abuse made sense in the reporting of the incidents and also her hedging around them as well. Often with victims of sexual abuse when they begin to reveal the shameful family secrets it is let out a little bit at a time to see how they will be responded to before they keep going on to say what the whole truth is for them. What really made it clear that something was not right in the Anthony home was Cindy’s response to h Casey, “So that is why you are a whore.”? This is sadly a classic response by a mother not wanting to face what she may actually already know herself. This was also reinforced by Lee Anthony’s testimony about the extremely confictual relationship between Casey and their mother. Lee’s testimony also reinforced to me clinically that this was a deeply disturbed family with each person struggling for power and control wrapped with rage, anger and confusion.

George and Cindy Anthony when I reviewed their various interviews in the media while “looking” for Caylee felt contrived, confusing and strangely self-focused (but not on their granddaughter) with a martyrdom quality that didn’t sit right with my clinical gut. In watching the interviews with Tim Miller, who investigated Caylee’s disappearance early on in August 2008, his reactions appear to be the most convincing that something was being covered up and not only by Casey but by George and Cindy as well.

It is my impression that George did know that Caylee was dead close to when either the “accident or murder” occurred in June 2008. His actions around deflecting Cindy and her brother seem odd and show me a consciousness of knowledge and also a desire to keep distance from the truth of her being dead. His actions when her car that smelled of a “dead body” at the tow yard which he testified under oath that he did believe it smelled like a human decomposing body also seemed suspicious to say the least and guilty of trying to hide evidence at it’s worst. George a seasoned former detective did not call the police worried and sick that something has happened to his daughter or grandchild. George drove that car home and parked it in the garage. It was Cindy who called the police hysterical. George had gone into work.

It seems to me from the variety of interviews before and after Caylee’s remains were found in December 2008 that George, Cindy and Casey were all possibly spinning a variety of stories to try to keep themselves and “The Anthony name” clean of any wrong doing. George and Cindy appear to be in part fighting for the “image” of themselves and their family. As with narcissistic and possibly an incestuous family dynamic within the Anthony home they are doing just what that type of family does, which is to deflect the obvious (like Casey’s pregnancy), protect their own image as “good” parents all the while trying to maintain that they are actually looking for a live Caylee.

In part what the Anthony’s may fear the most at this point is an investigation into the fraud that there daughter perpetrated in keeping the “Caylee is Missing” story going until her remains were found and identified in December 2008. If my clinical observations are correct about George and Cindy and what seems to be their own knowledge of and active participation in this enormous lie and manipulation upon the police, investigators and the country maybe, just maybe they will be held accountable financially and morally as much as Casey is at this point in the eyes of the public.

We are still at the camp marching around with other would-be campers and their worried and eager parents asking lots of questions. I tend to not ask too many questions partly because I didn’t want to spook Asher or irritate him with my incessant gabbing. He has been known to look at me and say, “Okay Mom I got it. Can you stop now?” He, like his father is a guy of few but important words. So when we were walking along the trail back from seeing the cabins. He asks, “How long am I going to stay here?” Michael told him a week. He says, “ I would stay a month if I can.” Okay, this wasn’t said in an overly excited skipping way of a kid who is caught up in the moment. Asher was serious and determined. He had seen the archery field, the rock-climbing zone and ropes course and his decision was crystal clear unwavering in fact.

We all went up to the director and asked about a longer session. The longest is 3 weeks and we booked it then and there. He was proud of his decision and repeatedly said, “My cousins go for like 2 months back east.” He actually felt a little cheated! This is my son who is very independent, ragingly independent. I have been known to say but the longest he has slept away from his family was a weekend!

So I gathered up all the camp paperwork, which included what you need for the three weeks and where to buy gear. Asher would need a trunk, a real camp truck with wheels. I swear I could fit 2 or 3 Asher’s in this trunk, which I stupidly said out loud! Of course I told him never ever to go into the trunk and hide because you will die! I felt it important to strike the fear of death in him since suffocation was involved. All of Asher’s gear, which included 1 trunk, 1 duffle, 2 sets of sheets, a laundry bag, and a toiletry case, was in camouflage. His request. Yes, he plays war video games. He is most happy when he is fighting in WW11 against the Nazi’s, like his namesake Grandpa Marvin. So the camouflage is par for the course.

I chose the Wal Mart that had the most 4 stars which was in Rosemead, slightly farther than the closest one but well worth it. I went without him to buy the 5,000 other items needed to keep him alive, warm and not in the dark. His last request was this, “Mom get me some cool Camo tops, OK”. After 4 hours of shopping and two carts full of stuff I was heading home in my minivan hearing all my bags rattling around. My mind started rattling. My little boy going into an unknown world confident and strong excited for any and all adventures that await him around the next corner. Freedom. Young fearless and free. I was happy.

As I am packing this very large trunk full of green and khaki clothes I couldn’t help think it seemed like I was sending my son to Israel to join the IDF with all this Camo and not some peaceful, crunchy granola Jewish camp in the Southern California mountains! Clothes help form and reinforce our identity. For Asher’s first over-night camp experience being tough and strong was a good way to go I thought especially since as I said he is on the skinny side.
So a couple of nights before he is leaving I am in my bedroom. The Camo trunk on bed, stamp with his name on it in hand labeling every single item that will be in his trunk. He helped as much as he could or as I would let him as I was anxiously trying to finish before midnight. The pitfalls of being a working mom who is clearly having control issues around her son going to camp for 3 weeks. Every 20 minutes or so I ask Asher to come in my room so I can show him where everything will be in the trunk, his toothbrush, the flashlights, extra batteries, bandanas he requested, soap (which I seriously doubt will be used) and his 16 pairs of underwear. He drags himself in and pretends to look, seriously, pretends and says “mom relax, it’s fine don’t worry”. Easy for him to say as I am stamping envelops with his our addresses on it in case he wants to write us. Please, he barely talks, you think he is going to write us and expand on his experiences at camp! My husband said the only thing he would ever write to his mother from camp was to “send more candy”. This has been disappointingly confirmed by her.

Now we are at the drop off zone where Asher will be loaded onto a bus and driven to the camp with what will become some of his new best friends. My mom, Michael, Tova and I stand on the sidewalk waving as he boards the big beautiful yellow school bus with a smile I haven’t seen since before my dad died this past March. Deep and contented joy. My heart at once melts and soars knowing he had made the right decision for himself. He knew better then me that he would be fine. My peaceful motherly moment of joy was only broken by Tova’s wailing cries that she was going to miss Asher so much. She had her little face buried in my side unable to watch him leave. Such sibling love is beautiful to watch but I must admit when Tova looked up at me with a little smile and her eyes dry as the desert I knew in part this was a dry cry for attention but still deserving of lots of hugs and reassurance.

When we went on the camp website that first night to eagerly scan for pictures of Asher from his arrival just hours before Michael and I were both sort of shell-shocked. Our son is in the dark, hopefully with a flashlight, which was conveniently packed in the upper left quadrant of his trunk, making his way to his first ever campfire. After seeing 300 pictures of cute kids we could care less about we spot him! He had changed into a new Camo shirt and was dancing in the mess hall! I screamed, “He opened his trunk! He found a new shirt!” My relief was greater than my joy. The relief of knowing that my boy is well on his way to independence was overwhelming. With tears coming down my cheeks, I say to Michael, “I just hope he brushes his teeth!”

Researchers have identified three distinct types of apologies:

1) The Offer of Compensation
This type of apology involves offering some type of concrete action in order to restore the balance in the relationship. The action could be something tangible (such as replacing your neighbor’s window because your child smashed it with his baseball), or it could be the promise to improve your behavior (such as offering to spend more time with your spouse because he’s been feeling neglected).

2) The Expression of Empathy
This type of apology involves recognizing the pain or anger you have caused the other person, and then expressing real concern for his or her feelings. The love and care you express in your apology should make the recipient feel understood and valued. This type of apology restores trust that may have been violated; we often employ it in personal relationships. It’s the type of apology we as parents are trying to get our kids to do all the time!

3) Acknowledgment of Violated Rules/Norms
This type of apology basically consists of declaring wrongdoing for breaking a group or family’s code of behavior. The apology goes something like this: “I didn’t just let myself down, I let down the entire medical profession” (which is how someone like Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson’s doctor at the time of his death, should apologize).

Researchers also identified the three distinct personality types that respond best to the above types of apologies:

1) “Independent Self-Concept”
These people see themselves as autonomous and individualistic. Because they are mostly focused on their own feelings and rights, they experience transgressions as a personal injury or betrayal. These people generally respond best to offers of compensation.

2) “Relational Self-Concept”
These people (most commonly women) are focused on maintaining and strengthening their relationships. Mutual respect and the rebuilding of trust are paramount to them, so apologies that include an expression of empathy and understanding will be most effective.

3) “Collective Self-Concept”
These people see themselves as part of a group, not as individuals. They value the bonds and rules that govern the organization with which they most identify (i.e., their company, church or family). With these people, apologies that acknowledge wrongdoing would best restore your status within the group and earn you the respect of the other group members.

When formulating an apology, remember to ask yourself: “Who am I apologizing to, and what do they need from my apology?” What troubled them the most about your transgression? Was it perceived as a personal injury, the betrayal of the relationship or the betrayal of a group “code”?

As a parent, I know that my children require different types of apologies. My son is ragingly independent and definitely perceives transgressions as a personal wound, whereas my daughter values relationships deeply and feels soothed by apologies that include empathy and understanding.

As the play demonstrates gender matters. Parents response to gender matters. Kids responses to their gender matters.  How we feel inside and think of ourselves is called gender identity. Which can be different than the physicality of our sex organs. Gender is many things but what we do know clinically is it matters biologically (meaning our brain), emotionally and physically. In Toronto 2011…Kathy Witterick and David Stocker of Toronto, Canada to announce the birth of their baby, Storm, was missing one important piece of information. “We’ve decided not to share Storm’s sex for now–a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm’s lifetime (a more progressive place? …),” it said. That’s right. They’re not saying whether Storm is a boy or a girl.  There’s nothing ambiguous about the baby’s genitals. But as Stocker puts it: “If you really want to get to know someone, you don’t ask what’s between their legs.” So only the parents, their two other children (both boys), a close friend, and the two midwives who helped deliver the now 4-month-old baby know its gender. Even the grandparents have been left in the dark.

Stocker and Witterick say the decision gives Storm the freedom to choose who he or she wants to be. “What we noticed is that parents make so many choices for their children. It’s obnoxious,” adds Stocker, a teacher at an alternative school. (Zachary Roth, Yahoo News May 24)  This is another example of parent’s narcissism and unhealthy needs hijacking their child’s childhood. Like bubble boy, Toddlers and Tiaras, John and Kate, or 25 Kids and Counting or any of the slew of reality shows featuring families and kids, the parents make decisions based on their own need to be known, to make a statement, to incite media curiosity and let’s face it make cold hard cash on the backs of their vulnerable children. My concern is the Stocker family may be trying to do the same thing with this “scheme” which is wrapped in some misguided belief that gender equality means not “knowing” ones gender. Short sighted and I believe abusive emotionally. What will follow if they continue these efforts over the long term will be requiring a whole lot of therapy to fix. This poor child is going to grow up with shame about his/her gender, anger and confusion toward their parents, and with the world watching! Frankly, it’s pathetic and disgusting!

While it is true, there are many choices that parents make for us growing up, in healthy parenting that is necessary. Children need boundaries, need to know that someone is in charge and need guidance in order to feel safe to push against those boundaries to discover who they are. Most of all, children deserve not to be a social experiment. In my opinion, raising your child with healthy gender identity does not mean denying or shrouding the fact of their male/ female or even hermaphroditic/ ambiguous gender. It means to raise a child with a strong sense and appreciation of who they are, a base of healthy self-esteem, from which to expand into all the possibilities of who they might become.